life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
