I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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