I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
