I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
