M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
