Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
