I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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