I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
