My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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