Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
