I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
