Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
PANTIES FOUND
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
