I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
