Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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