i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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