Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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