my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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