did you get engaged???
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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