Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize