I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
