i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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