You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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