Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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