Will you blow on my dice?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
