I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
