she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
