just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
