meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
