omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
