Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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