I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
