I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize