just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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