I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Barsexuality is the new black.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
