If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I need to stop coming to work sober
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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