Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
