I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
