dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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