I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize