Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
