i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
