I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
