I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How's work?
Spinning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
