he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There's always time for handjobs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
