My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
