Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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