I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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