This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
