Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
