this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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