i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I supernannyed him into submission
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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