I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
