i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
