did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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