I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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