If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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