Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
