please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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