Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
