I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
