Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Randomize
